


Middle Earth Shenanigans

by notevenstars_lastforever



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Adorable Ori, All-Knowing Balin, Angels, Angst, Battle of Five Armies, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, Bilbo is So Done, Bofur is a Sweetheart, Character Death, Comedy, Dale - Freeform, Drinking, Dwalin Is A Softie, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Dwarves, Dwarves in the Shire, Elves, Erebor, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fíli and Kíli Are Little Shits, Gandalf Knows All, Goblins, Hair Braiding, Hobbits, Humor, Mirkwood, Mischief, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, Mother Hen Dori, Multi, Nori is a Little Shit, Orcs, Overprotective Dwarves, Platonic Relationships, Quest of Erebor, Rivendell | Imladris, Sarcasm, Shenanigans, Singing, Smut, Teasing, The Lonely Mountain, The Shire, Thorin Isn't Always an Asshole, Trolls, War, Wizards, pop culture references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:48:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notevenstars_lastforever/pseuds/notevenstars_lastforever
Summary: Just a collection of Middle Earth character one-shots & drabbles.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Reader, Bofur (Tolkien)/Reader, Dwalin (Tolkien)/Reader, Fíli (Tolkien)/Reader, Kíli (Tolkien)/Reader, Nori (Tolkien)/Reader, Tauriel/Reader, Thorin Oakenshield/Reader
Kudos: 26





	1. My Hero (Bofur x Reader)

"We're gonna take out their leader." Thorin said, looking from me and then over to Dain. 

"Azog…" Dain said with a gasp. 

I glanced over at the red headed dwarf next me and we exchanged looks of shock with one another as Thorin strode over to a goat and mounted it, before looking over at us again. 

"I'm gonna kill that piece of filth!" Thorin hissed through gritted teeth. 

"Thorin, you cannot do this, you are our KING!" Dain exclaimed. 

"That is why I must do it…" 

"Why would you even suggest something so daft? Especially given the fact that you're clearly planning on going alone?!" 

"Not alone." I piped up, causing both dwarves to look at me with very contrasting expressions on their faces. 

Dain looked downright flabbergasted while Thorin had a smile on his face, a look of pride in his eyes as he gazed down at me from where he sat atop the goat. 

"Are you sure, Y/N?" Thorin asked me, obviously trying to look stern but hardly being able to keep a straight face as the edges of his lips curled up. 

I chuckled. "I must be out of my damn mind, but yes." 

"Not that I doubt the two of you and your abilities, but how do you plan to fight your way up to Raven Hill?!" Dain questioned, gesturing from here to there with wild hand movements. 

I made a face and looked up at Thorin again, as if to say, "He's got a point there." 

With a small smirk, Thorin glanced behind us just in time to hear the stomping of hooves on the ground. 

Dain and I stumbled back slightly as a war chariot pulled by six goats came skidding to a halt in front of us. Holding the reins was none other than Balin, while Dwalin stood next to him, his hands gripping what looked to be a semi-automatic crossbow. Behind them, hanging onto the sides were the two princes, who waved when they saw me, causing me to laugh and shake my head. 

"Y'know it's been awhile since I've done this!" Balin exclaimed, looking at his brother and turning to wink at me as I was helped up onto the chariot by Fili. 

"You alright, Y/N?" Kili asked me, turning and laying a hand on my shoulder when I came to stand behind him. 

I laughed breathlessly. "Oh of course, it's just that, it's not everyday that you get to hitch a ride on a ram-drawn carriage!" 

That drew a laugh from everyone, even Dwalin, who turned to face me. 

"C'mere, lass." 

When I moved up to stand in front of him, he grasped the sides of my face and touched his forehead to mine, looking me dead in the eyes. 

"You'll be fine. We won't let anythin' happen to you, yah hear?" He said in a stern voice.

I nodded. "I trust you." 

"And truth be told, with skills like yours, you should have a little more faith in yerself." He winked, letting me go as we all went back to our original positions. 

"Besiiiiides…" Kili practically sang as he looked around at me with a mischievous smirk on his face, which let me know right off the bat that what he was about to say would make me want to smack him upside the head. "I know a certain hatted dwarf who would have our heads if anything were to happen to you." 

I felt myself blush as I aimed a scowl at him, reaching my arm over to swat at him, causing the three other dwarves surrounding us to chuckle. 

Suddenly, Thorin let out a yell next to us and his goat took off running, which snapped the attention of all five of us once again. 

"TO RAVEN HILL!" 

"Hold tight, lads! And lass!" Balin said as he pulled on the reins, urging the rams to get moving. 

Just before we started moving, I pulled my sword out, holding it tightly in one hand, while I held on for dear life to the back of the chariot with my other. 

"You mad bastards! I like it!" I heard Dain exclaim as we pulled away. 

I turned my head briefly to meet Dain's gaze, giving him a small smile. He returned it, nodding at me in reassurance, which I appreciated. 

Bringing my focus forward, I swallowed deeply, clenching my teeth together, trying to brace myself for battle. The chariot raced towards the army of orcs at an alarming speed and all I could do was hold on to the back and wait for impact. I watched as Thorin and his steed thundered ahead of us, the ram bringing it's horns down and forward, barreling through the army of orcs and making a path for us to follow. Thorin let out a battle cry, slashing through like the warrior he was, so fearless and intense. I heard the sound of metal on metal as Kili used one of the wheels of the chariot to sharpen his sword, causing sparks to fly back. 

Seconds before we reached the front lines of orcs, I let out the breath I had been holding in, preparing myself for what could very well be the fight of my life. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as I turned my focus ahead of us, holding on steadfast to my sword and stiffening my stance, instantly going into fight mode. 

Then we broke through the front lines and all hell broke loose. 

The orcs directly in the way of the rams and the chariot didn't even stand a chance as we went barreling through, and combined with the semi-automatic crossbow that was being manned by Dwalin, we broke through ranks easily. Orcs that somehow avoided getting trampled or shot by Dwalin and managed to get close enough to the chariot were either torn to shreds by the spikes on the wheels or taken down by Kili, Fili or me. 

Through the sounds of battle and clashing of blades, I heard Balin laughing maniacally as he plowed through the army of brutes and Dwalin's typical unnecessary screams and battle cries. 

While I was momentarily distracted by fighting off a rather large orc and preventing it from jumping onto the chariot, I heard an alarmed yell from Kili. 

"WATCH OUT!" He yelled. 

I glanced back just in time to watch as we raced over top of a small rocky hill, my heart quite literally skipping a few beats as we went airborne, the rams pulling us directly towards a group of trolls that were coming towards us. 

"Holy Mary, mother of..." I cursed under my breath. 

Just as I reached for my ax that was strapped to my back, I froze in place, looking down in complete awe as the spikes on the wheels did the job for us, conveniently taking each of the troll's heads off as we went flying by. 

Eyes wide in amazement, I turned to look at the two princes, a disbelieving laugh tumbling from my lips as Dwalin let out a loud 'whoop' in victory, which was short-lived when Balin told us to keep our eyes to the front. 

A larger, uglier and much angrier troll came out of nowhere, snarling as it stomped towards us at an alarming speed. 

"That's just bloody terrific." Fili huffed from beside me. 

I made a small noise of agreement, seeing as I didn't trust myself with words at the moment and I was currently trying insanely hard not to freak the fuck out since it was easily one of the largest cave trolls I had ever seen. 

As it came closer, my eyes flickered over to Balin in slight panic, waiting for him to get us the fuck out of the way so we weren't trampled to death by the creature. Almost as if reading my thoughts, Balin pulled on the reigns, steering the rams out of the way. Unfortunately for us, that led us down a sharp hill to the frozen river below. 

Fantastic. 

"HOOOOLDD ONNN!" Dwalin shouted. 

Dwalin and Kili each grabbed one of my arms almost in unison, making sure I didn't fall, sandwiching me between them and seconds later, we went for a little toboggan ride down the rocky hillside. 

And no. It was not FUN. Not even a little bit. 

I heard Fili scream and Dwalin curse lowly in Khuzdul through clenched teeth, while Balin and Kili stayed silent and I somehow managed not to shit myself. 

When we finally touched the icy surface below and went skidding and sliding along the frozen and twisting path that the river follows, I broke away from the two protective dwarves, anxiously looking around to see where the troll had gone. As Kili lifted more arrows to hand to Dwalin to reload the crossbow, I heard the god-awful growling and snarling of the troll from above us. Before I could even whip my head around in time, the troll had already launched itself down, effortlessly cracking and smashing the ice behind us as it landed, instantly chasing after us. 

"BRING IT DOWN! SHOOT IT!" Dwalin roared over Kili's shoulder as the younger dwarf aimed his arrow towards the troll, hesitating. 

"Where?!" He hollered back. 

"IN IT'S JAM BAGS!" 

Kili threw a crazed look back at Dwalin, his long, wild brown hair whipping through the wind. "IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY JAM BAGS!" 

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, JUST SHOOT IT! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE AT THIS POINT! JUST TAKE IT OUT!" I yelled in a tone of exasperation, interrupting their small argument. 

Fili screamed the left of me, gesturing wildly towards the troll who had gotten extremely close to the chariot, grabbing everyone's attention. Kili snapped his body back around and released his arrow without a moment's hesitation, successfully hitting the troll and causing it to stumble back due to the injury it sustained. All the while, Balin kept the carriage moving forward as the goats raced across the ice. I could feel us skidding and just as I looked up to see where we were headed, I saw a huge block of ice directly in front of us. 

"BALIN! LEFT! LEFT! GO LEFT!" I screeched frantically, eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. 

"HOLD ON!" Dwalin thundered once again. 

Balin gasped and veered us right, the goats avoiding the block, but it was unfortunately too late for the carriage as we collided with it, one of the wheels catching as we literally lifted off the ground and went airborne once again for a few terrifying moments. As we touched back down, the entire chariot lurched to the left, only one wheel on the ground. I desperately tried to hang on the best that I could but the second that the other wheel landed, I lost my grip and fell backwards off the chariot. 

"Y/N!!" Fili yelled, stumbling and reaching for my hand but I was already too far gone and beyond his reach. 

All four of my companions yelled my name, watching in horror when they could do nothing to save me, thinking for sure that I was done for. I screamed as I flew backwards, just barely managing to think fast and pull my ax out from its holster, swinging it down so it was embedded into the ice below me. The blade made it through and I somehow landed on my feet, sliding across the ice, my ax digging through the icy layers until it caught and I came to a halt.

Whipping around like a feral animal, I was met with the troll barreling towards me through the cracked shards of ice. I felt my face pale as I yanked my weapon from the ice, quickly turning on my heel and running the opposite way like the devil himself was chasing me. I was lucky enough to have boots that were slip proof and allowed me to run with little to no issue, and I silently thanked Nori, wherever the thief may be, for stealing them for me all those months ago. 

There was a loud roar that sounded from behind me and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the troll bring down it's weapon, breaking through the ice as it cracked and began to give way. With a crazed look in my eye, I launched myself forward, jumping towards whatever solid ice that was left in front of me. 

"SON OF A BIIIIIITCH." I shrieked, my boots digging into the ice as I landed on the nearest solid patch. 

I swung my ax around, my weapon managing to clip the beast behind me and miraculously injuring it, causing it to howl in pain and take another swipe at me in a fit of rage and retaliation. As it stepped forward, I realized how close it had gotten to me and it was only after I heard the shouts and screams of the dwarves behind me that I knew I was about to take a rather unpleasant plunge. 

Closing my eyes and bracing myself for being submerged, I felt the ice giving way under my feet and I gulped down as much air as I possibly could. 

"LASS! LADS! HANG ON, I'M COMIN'!" I heard a painstakingly familiar voice shout suddenly to the right of me. 

In the split second before I fell through the ice, my eyes shot open and I caught sight of Bofur, who looked like he was hanging off the back of another troll and somehow controlling it's movements with the use of chains. Half a second later, the ice underneath my feet shattered completely. 

To say that the water was cold, would be the fucking understatement of the year. As soon as the ice broke, I dropped like a stone into the icy depths below, the water's embrace feeling like a million tiny icicles stabbing me. Now, I had gone through my fair share of cold winters back where I had come from and growing up nearby Lake Superior certainly made me no stranger to cold and icy waters, but this type of cold---it was nothing like I had ever experienced before. 

Is this what it was like for the passengers on the Titanic? Because if so, I definitely fully understood now why Jack froze to death in the movie and was ten times more angry with Rose for not moving her ass over to allow him to lay on the piece of wreckage with her. 

If nobody came to my rescue within the next sixty seconds or so, I thought for sure that I was about to freeze to death and my body would be found days later, perfectly preserved in a block of ice. I would have tried swimming myself up towards the surface of the water, but my arms were already going numb and my legs felt like thousands of pins & needles were prickling all up and down the length of them. 

My head began to feel foggy and just as I was about to give up completely, I felt a pair of strong arms gripping me tightly around the middle, hauling me up above the water. As I resurfaced, coughing and spluttering, completely drenched down to my very core, I glanced up to catch a glimpse of who my savior was. 

If I had been warm enough to blush, I probably would have done so when I realized it was none other than my favorite dwarf in the company who had come to my rescue and was currently holding on to me closer than I think we've ever been before. But considering the fact that I was quite literally shivering in my boots, I just settled for the feeling of relief that washed over me upon seeing Bofur and that stupid fucking hat he always wore perched atop his head in a slightly disheveled way. His usual mischievous grin had all but vanished as an expression of fear and great concern replaced it, his large hands still holding onto me tightly as if afraid he might lose me if he didn't keep me close. 

Shivering and shuddering from the cold, I raised my eyes to meet his and mustered up a grateful smile. A certain line from one of my most favorite 80s movies of all time came to mind and I just couldn't help myself, despite knowing damn well that Bofur wouldn't get the reference. 

"B-Bofur, you'rrrre m-m-my heroooooo." I said in a dramatic tone of voice in between the chattering of my teeth and violent shakes of my body. 

Bofur just shook his head at me, practically yanking his coat off and wrapping it around my shoulders. 

"Yer unbelievable, lass, y'know that? Ye almost got yerself killed and yet yer still crackin' jokes and actin' a fool. Dunno what I'm ta do with ya." He said, trying and failing to hide that impish smile of his that I loved so much. 

I smirked as I snuggled into the warmth of his coat and raised an eyes up at him, an uncharacteristic burst of boldness and confidence flaring within me. 

"I...I think I-I have a c-couple of ideas u-u-up my sleeve, that i-is if y-you'd be willing t-to indulge m-me?" 

Bofur raised an eyebrow and just as he opened his mouth to say something, I reached up, tugging him towards me by the pigtails and laid one on him. 

As soon as our lips met, I felt butterflies erupt in the pit of my stomach, moreso igniting my flame of desire. I briefly heard him gasp out his surprise before responding to the kiss a few seconds later. His lips were softer than I imagined and inexplicably gentle as they moved against mine.I practically swooned when he suddenly snaked his arms around my waist, pulling me firmly against him as the kiss became more passionate. 

After a minute or so, we parted away for breath, the both of us breathing heavily and sagging into one another. With a smile, Bofur rested his forehead up against mine affectionately, chuckling as I sighed happily. 

“Well, that was long overdue.” He said with a smirk, amused chocolate brown eyes gazing down at me. 

I laughed. “I’ll s-say.”


	2. When Angels Fall (Platonic! Gandalf x Reader)

When I first joined the company, no one but Gandalf had a clue of what I really was. To everyone but the wizard, I appeared to be nothing other than a small human in height and a wickedly skilled swordsman. 

I quickly proved my worth and skill set shortly after leaving the Shire when we were ambushed by a small pack of rogue orcs, having taken out quite a few in a scuffle. So needless to say, the company warmed up to me after seeing my apparent "impressive" display of swordsmanship and fierce disposition in battle, as Dwalin later told me that night by the fireside. 

The two princes, Fili and Kili had pestered me with questions about weapons and techniques, to which I obliged to answer with a small smile on my face. The dwarf king himself had even complimented me briefly, his cold blue eyes softening the slightest bit as they met mine. 

Gandalf had approached me later that evening once everyone else was asleep, immediately admitting to knowing what and who I actually was. I knew I had nothing to fear when it came to the kindred old wizard so I easily opened up to him, telling him the important position I was appointed to when it came to this company and the perilous mission ahead. 

The wizard settled his gaze on me, a kind smile on his face and thanked me for watching out for the company, chuckling softly when he went on to say that they definitely needed a woman around to keep them in check. 

"I must say, it has been quite some time since the angels have physically gotten involved with the business of the living." He said thoughtfully, his timeless blue eyes and face lit up by the flickering flames of the fire. 

I nodded. "It has indeed, Mithrandir. But a journey such as this needs guidance because I daresay that I fear for the worst if such measures and precautions are not taken." 

"You know of something that has not yet come to pass." 

Sighing, I watched the flames and embers as they illuminated the night, before continuing on under the watchful gaze of the wizard beside me. "There is something stirring in the east, Gandalf. Something dark and positively wicked. An evil that has no bounds and wants nothing more than to destroy and devour anything in its path."

Turning away from the flames, I met his eyes, seeing the grim expression on his face. "I cannot let all that is good and beautiful in this world fall. I will not allow it." 

"You will not be alone in helping to prevent that from happening, my dear Angel. Fear not." Gandalf said, laying a hand on my shoulder in reassurance. 

The ghost of a smile spread across my lips at his words, hope blossoming and blooming forth in my chest. "I should hope not." 

I glanced over at the small sleeping form of Bilbo, wrapped up tight and snug in the warmth of his blanket, a peaceful expression on his soft features for once. 

As I turned my attention back to Gandalf, we made eye contact and exchanged a knowing look with one another. 

"Despite their small size, I have a hunch that Hobbits have a much larger role to play before all of this is over." 

Gandalf nodded in agreement, that familiar and comforting twinkle ever so present in his eyes now more than ever. 

"I couldn't agree more. Hobbits are exceptionally extraordinary creatures and I have no doubt that Bilbo will not fail us." 

"I have faith in him as well." I said softly, smiling over at him as he slept so soundly. "He won't let us down."


End file.
